Freelancing offers freedom and fulfillment, but only if you let it. It can be yet another form of work drudgery, the daily slog, the good ol’ shit work. It can be everything and all things you hate. How? Read on!

Hey kids! Freelancing is great, innit? But only if you follow some key rules.

See, freelancing is a little shady. Why on earth would you give up the never-ending safety and security of the regular, normal work world? The answer is simple – you want to do something the regular work world frowns upon. You’re weird. You’re a little touched in the head. So naturally, you must do everything in your power to convince yourself and the rest of the world that you’re not a complete and utter flake, and that you can be relied upon to deliver something of value in exchange for some monies. Such as:

Wake up on time.
Set that alarm for 5:30 every morning, smack yourself in the face, avoid that snooze, take a cold shower (invigorating!), and get your ass moving. Only by staying on a regimented, never varied schedule can us naturally nonconformist, lackadaisical, generally untrustworthy creative types find the routine necessary for success. Only by emulating that painful pain of the painstakingly painful outside work world can you find the discipline needed to reign in your inner sloth, pound out that report/article/logo/code/whathaveyou and put mac and cheese on the table. So learn to love the clock that is your taskmaster, your masterblaster, your … something else that ends in –aster.

Get dressed.
Think you can cut back on costs by wearing comfy clothes and reducing the need for that money IV hooked up to Ann Taylor Loft? Think again, slackass. Once you’ve roused yourself from bed while its still dark, it’s time to agonize over the outfit for the day, spend some time getting those curls just right, and slather on some makeup/aftershave. Hum the chorus to “Manic Monday” by the Bangles while you do it, and chuckle at the witty recognition of the pain of daily office life. Only by sitting in uncomfortable trousers and tight shirts can you really feel like a productive, contributing member of society, someone that can make the moolah to finance your PB&J and the occasional beer. Revel in wedgies, sweaty feet, and dry clean bills, freelancers, and find the key to unlocking your greatest potential!

Work nights and weekends.
You are a freelancer. You are the sword that is needed to defend the royals’ honor and damsels in distress at any time, no matter your needs for cocktail hour, a sex life, or sleep. Put your clients’ needs to bounce the 14th iteration of eblast subject lines off your noggin at midnight ahead of your own needs, you selfish prick. How else can you demonstrate that you are professional, that you are worthy of paying invoices, and that you can be trusted despite your shady eschewing of the traditional work world? In fact, state your ability to be at clients’ beck and call clearly in all your contracts, bids and every other sentence. Then you shall be respected.

Take every assignment that comes your way.
What, you think you can afford to be picky? Hallelujah and pass the ammunition, what the hell are you smoking? You should feel grateful that the man that can barely string words together has emailed you and generously offered $50 for writing his website. You should feel absolutely thrilled that the person using neon on their current website will pay you $200 IF he chooses your website design. You can’t afford to be choosy! You can’t rely on your talent to pay the bills! You can’t negotiate! They’re all gonna laugh at you!!

Trust your clients to do what is right.
When the glorious moment comes at which someone decides to bequeath you their precious work, you must accept it gratefully and silently. You may suggest deposits, contracts, and clear details on project scope, but if the client righteously rebuffs the overture, you must accept it. They are the boss, and you are the minion doing their deeds. There is no need for your protection through paperwork, for the boss is like the absolute monarchy of old, installed by deities and immune to questions of trust or fairness. Do you really think a god will screw you over? And if he or she does, don’t you think you kind of deserve it??

Revise, and revise again, and please sir, may I have another?
So your work has been turned in. You think you’ve done well, but what the fuck do you know? See, your client is not happy. They want to give you a gold star for effort, sweet cheeks, but what they really wanted was something a little more. What they wanted more of is locked away in the unbreachable, unfathomable, mind-boggling vast and deep reaches of the client’s brain, and the only way they can think to translate it to you is with requests for “lighter copy,” “happier design,” or “passion and drama in the story of orthopedic surgery.” What are you waiting for? Sure, we may not understand their requests, but our job is to revise an unlimited amount of times until they are happy. And fold that time into the generous fees they offer.

Well there you have it. Sure, it can sound undesirable. But you chose this weird path, didn’t you? Get used to it. And learn to love hating your life.

What, you think you have something to add? Figures. If you have other rules that good little freelancers should follow, go ahead and leave a comment!

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