Can you be a writer without work? Can you reap the glory, dominate your social circle, be loved and admired, without doing much at all? Um, no. But you can be a pretentious almost-not-quite writer! Read on to learn how!

So you want to be a writer! And when I say writer, I mean WRITER. He or she of the short stories and novels that win awards and accolades. The kind of writer that justifies all of our existences, and transcends the dirty dirty world of commercial, freelance writing (us sellouts). You want to be the kind of writer that’s canonized, that gets fucked up on absinthe and heroin, treats people like peons, and weaves tales that make the world sit up, take notice and weep for their sorry lives. And you want to do it with a minimum of actual work.

Awesome, dude! Here’s your surefire way to turn into the pompous almost-ran writer douchebag you so aspire to be!

Live up to the cliches.
You gots to sell it, both to yourself and to friends, family and strangers. Hang out in coffeehouses ad nauseam. Smoke a pipe. Wear scarves and ascots. Don’t shower and keep your hair lank and ruffled. Be mopey and completely antisocial. And don’t forget to take notes at all times, even when people ask you what you are doing, and they get freaked when you reveal you’re going to write about everything you see and hear. Even their secrets revealed when you were friends. Who needs friends?? You’re on a mission, bra.

Tell everyone about your writing plans.
You’re going to be the next Hemingway! Morrison! Amis! Why be modest about it? No, here’s what you do. Before you even write a word, you lay the groundwork. Tell everyone and anyone you know and meet about your fantastic plans. Wow them with your insightful ideas, the themes you’re going to so artfully explore, and the pitiful lumps of goo that you will turn your readers into. Then as you write, and you realize the writing is much harder than you anticipated, and it’s quite difficult to do all you intend to do, abandon the idea, scoffing at its immaturity, and move on. It was obviously not an idea worth your skill. Repeat!

Read and read and talk and never write.
A variation of the previous point, you can skip the writing all together! I mean, when it comes down to it, the writing can wait. It’s there in your head, waiting for that magical day when you become independently wealthy, infinitely smarter, and endowed with muse-like inspiration. Nah, don’t write. That’s too pedestrian anyway. Just talk up your ideas, read the masters, and soak it all in. Someday it will all come together.

Eschew organization and outlines.
Goodness gracias, are we animals? You don’t need notes or planning. Did Keroauc plan? Did any of your heroes take time away from the nose powder and ambrosia to think about plot and all that drivel? Of course not. If you want to be a writer, you just let the words flow through you into the magical and amazing final product that happens on its own. Heathen.

Take yourself seriously.
That’s right. You are the king. And you’re here on a mission from…someone. Don’t expect or believe anything else. And demand that kind of treatment from all. That’s what being a WRITER is all about.

Well there you have it. You want to write masterpieces, here’s your path. Sure, nothing actually gets done, and your circle begins to realize you’re a blowhard with no actual writing practice or ability, and you keep waiting for that mythical muse to appear and make it all happen for you and she never does. That’s what being a WRITER is all about.

Wait, you want to actually write? Produce something, fuck up, learn, and maybe someday get published? Ah ha. Well here’s what you do. Write. Write some more. Keep writing. And don’t be a pretentious almost-writer asshat.

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